Here, in this quiet hour, I will wait patiently in the presence of solitude. I will allow every ounce of lonely atmosphere to dance about me and through me. My legs are far too fatigued to continue running from a feeling that persists on catching up. My heart far too familiar with the echo of its beats. My lungs far too tired of providing the breath before the phrase that a pair of ears never desired to hear. I will admire this cloud of solitude that sweeps over me now and will surely return later. The recognition of this hollowness will only allow for the greatest appreciation of company, of companionship in the most genuine form...if I allow it.
For months upon months which is threatening to turn into years upon years, I've been running, sprinting rather, from any form of authentic companionship for one reason. That reason being my belief that all things are temporary. Few things are built to last forever. I have my fair share of reasons for believing such a thing, the first being that 10 months and 26 days ago I experienced my first real brush with tragedy. I was never extremely close with him, but still close enough that it shook my world when I heard what had happened. Like anything else today I learned of it over social networking, which was horrific all on its own. Unbelievable. So young, yet so desperate for help. Gone with a single squeeze of a hand. A hand that needed nothing but holding, nothing but reassurance, nothing but guidance to the seemingly nonexistent light at the end of the tunnel that came ever close to collapsing and tragically did. The mountain of a short lifetime of burdens proved to weigh too much for the fragile structure of the tunnel to sustain. Too much. The vibrations of such a sudden collapse reached farther than one could have imagined and they're still felt today as they travel all the way to heaven, bounce off the golden gates and come back to us at the most unexpected times. My heart aches for you and it always will. Because of this, attachment is a scary concept to me. You invest a part of yourself in every person that you meet and when they're taken so suddenly, a piece of you goes with them.
Next reason. As a child of a teacher, I spent the majority of my time tucked away in a school. For most of my childhood I was there an hour before school began and two or three hours after it ended. I never really knew another way of life so I have absolutely no means of complaining. The school was a second home and the teachers became my friends. I never felt out of my comfort zone around them, which was both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I was provided a safe and comfortable environment to learn, on the other, I didn't need to make friends in order to feel comfortable. Don't get me wrong, I had friends when I was a child, but not many came from school. Consistent with most aspects of my life, soccer was my reprieve. I was certain that the friendships I formed with my teammates and coaches would be lifelong, but as we all seem to know too well, times change and people follow and they take a piece of you with them when they promptly exit stage left as you travel down the path you assume to be right.
Once the school I attended and the school my mother taught at were no longer one in the same, I had no crutch to rely on and that was the beginning of an absolutely critical time period. I had to make my own decisions, form my own values, and decide who I should spend my time around. Consequently, this brings me to my third and final reason. I met some people that I greatly admired and was lucky to befriend. They guided me ever so gracefully through what otherwise would have been a daunting new environment. However, some people were not at all who I had expected them to be and they've greatly attributed to my independent style of living. I remember quite vividly a very close friend of mine telling me that he was not my therapist and he was not my mom and that because he didn't tell me his problems, he shouldn't have to listen to mine. Lovely lad, wasn't he? But I digress. His point was valid in the end. Who really wants to hear why someone's life is worse than yours? Not many. Anyway, the effect it had was that the need I had to confide in someone vanished. I can handle myself. I don't need people spewing their judgements on me. The few good friends I had have gone their separate ways as life leads us to do. All things are temporary.
So here I've outlined my reasons for my somewhat cynical views towards friendship and here I am telling you that although they're genuine, they're bullshit reasons to shy away from friendship. These things happen in life, but they should not defer you from sharing a friendship or finding a companion to at least pass the time with. I've been guilty most, if not all, of my life for caring too much. The people who care get hurt. They get made fun of. And that blows my mind. For a long, long time I absolutely did not believe that someone could care too much about another human being, but situation after situation has proved me wrong and that saddens me. However, the reward far exceeds the risk of losing a bit of yourself in each person you meet because in return, you gain a piece of the people that you've met along the way. It's undeniably true that most things are temporary and it pierces your heart like a shard of glass when their time to exit your life, by chance or by choice, comes along. But each shard of glass fits together in the way that you choose to make up a stained-glass window of a person. The people you meet along the way help you to create your image, but what makes it shine is the light from within. When that light goes out, it's paramount that you have friends you can rely on. People that know exactly who you are. People who genuinely care about you to reignite that light. Hell yeah there's risk, but what would life amount to if we always let fear get the best of us?
I'm undoubtedly an introvert. I don't see the point in talking for talking's sake which is based on a philosophy I have that's invariably Finnish: whichever words are being said should be more important than the silence they're interrupting. I have things to say, they just don't happen to fall in line with the latest on Breaking Bad, which is largely the reason I started this blog. Being an introvert makes it increasingly difficult to find companions that I genuinely feel like I connect with. My life currently consists of loose ends, no connections. I struggle to feel understood, but rather than disregard the importance of companionship, I find it's essential to embrace it and to be patient. Life has enough challenges on it's own, we don't need to submit to going through it alone. We just need to find the right people to share it with; people that are similar to us, people that understand us.
If nothing else, everyone deserves to feel understood. To be graced with the acknowledgement of all you are, all that you’re not, and all that you’re yet to be. Someone to look into your eyes and not merely see their own reflection, but the reflection of every tear, every broken heart, every smile, every dropped jaw that makes up your very being. Words heard but unspoken. Fragile threads connecting your minds and hearts. Late night fears, desires, dreams dancing off of your tongue to find welcoming ears. Shared moments braid the individual strings together, strengthening the bond. Gone with one swift motion of an elegant sharp edge. Torn and tethered. Yet, gathered once more to stitch together the fabric of your façade. Rare but invaluable. The kind of understanding that envelops you, but goes unseen. An understanding that recognizes the dark valleys of your past, the shadowy realities of your present, and the uncharted waters of your future. Only authentic companionship can provide an understanding so genuine and so invaluable and for even that reason alone, Companionship is Key.
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