Cleansing is Key.

Why are we so drawn to toxic people? They’re not far from cigarettes in the way that they take little time to become addictive. Everyone can see that they’ll do nothing but harm you, yet you live for that moment when the nicotine seeps into your blood flow and you feel that urge, that emptiness, vanish for no other reason than that it is exactly what you desired at that given time. You know it’s unhealthy. You know all of the repercussions will be negative. And the feeling that it gave you isn’t what you needed, but it is exactly what you wanted. I understand that there are a lot of implications taking place here, so let’s break it down. 

At one point or another, we all meet someone who has a negative effect on us. Perhaps they mess with your emotions or fail to acknowledge your existence or simply treat you like shit. Of course in those cases you should walk away. But it’s different when someone intrigues you to the nth degree and they suddenly become magnetic. I struggle to find the appropriate string of words to define it. You simply can't escape their pull. There’s some shame in it, no doubt. It’s not healthy to be fixated on someone and that’s an absolutely true statement, but it’s not fair for someone to assume that one will always remain fixated. Much like when someone is a pack-a-day smoker and everyone assumes that there’s no possible way that they’ll chose to quit. That assumption shouldn't be made. Anyway, it’s more than possible for someone to become fixated on someone else, and here we have “addiction”.

Addiction in any form is not healthy. It contains endless toxicity. Pure poison. But who is really the one at fault? The answer to that is that I am indefatigably at fault for allowing the effect. The cigarette doesn't knowingly give you cancer, you permit it. You decide that you want something more than the consequences can alter your train of thought, your motives, or your desires. But despite how satisfying that nicotine might feel, chances are the consequences will catch up to you like they caught up to me and led me to the really shitty place I was in a few months ago. I was numb with nowhere to run. I couldn't escape and although it served as a basis for some of the best writing I've ever composed, it needed to end. My explanation for being in such a state was that I was simply addicted to feeling something, so I turned to hurt and depression until it was nothing at all. No hope for a ray of light coming from the ever ominous, grey clouds. Too shy to say that I needed help. But so is everybody else. People endlessly say that they are there for you, that they care, that you can always talk to them, but who chooses to burden a friend with your problems and in the end who honestly welcomes being burdened by them? I can’t bring myself to do that anymore. It ruined friendships for me. And maybe I had some shitty friends but my beliefs can only be formed based on my past experiences. I couldn’t identify the root cause of the state that I was in, but thankfully someone else could. They did so indirectly, but I connected the dots until I saw the big picture clearer than I ever had before. And it absolutely amazed me how people can be so toxic, literally toxic, and my life entailed more than one of them. 

That being said, it’s absolutely paramount that I reiterate that more often than not, it is not the fault of the toxic person for the repercussions that took place, but the fault of the one who let it affect them in such a drastic manner. To this day, I don’t understand how I could have been so blind to the cause or even how I allowed it to have such a stupid, drastic effect. It was flat out unhealthy. And I’m sure a piece of it came from so much disappointment in such a short period of time, with one event piling upon the next. Each weighing more heavily than the last, yet the ever present expectations still taking the bulk of my burden. I reached a breaking point I didn’t know I had. 

With the identification of the problem came the all important solution in the form of cleansing my life of those toxic people, toxic thoughts, and that toxic lifestyle. I can’t express a greater gratitude for the person who made it clear to me by simply lending me some of his time to listen and to care. It was a struggle to break free of the cyclical pattern I was in, but I can’t even explain how necessary it was and I’m sure that goes without saying. You have to remember that you are important and that no one person can define your value. Once you extinguish all of the negative, pessimistic thoughts (worry included) it becomes so much easier. The only person you have to be good enough for is yourself. Confidence and cleansing go hand and hand. 

Now the toxicity has been eliminated to the point where the person(s) can remain if they so choose and if they don’t it won’t affect me. I’m stronger. And above all, I’ve cleansed my mind, my lifestyle, my attitude and it has been incredible. I’ve never felt so at peace with myself and the world. Being exposed to such a dark place has led to the most important enlightening of my life thus far. I realize the importance of cleansing myself of all of the negatives and doing so reaps unwavering benefits. Cleansing is Key. 


In all honesty, this is the first post I have been nervous about publishing because it is incredibly personal and incredibly recent, however this post in itself acts as a form of cleansing because these thoughts now occupy the page rather than my mind. In the end, my only hope is that one day it is useful to someone or merely relatable.