Companionship is Key.

Here, in this quiet hour, I will wait patiently in the presence of solitude. I will allow every ounce of lonely atmosphere to dance about me and through me. My legs are far too fatigued to continue running from a feeling that persists on catching up. My heart far too familiar with the echo of its beats. My lungs far too tired of providing the breath before the phrase that a pair of ears never desired to hear. I will admire this cloud of solitude that sweeps over me now and will surely return later. The recognition of this hollowness will only allow for the greatest appreciation of company, of companionship in the most genuine form...if I allow it.

For months upon months which is threatening to turn into years upon years, I've been running, sprinting rather, from any form of authentic companionship for one reason. That reason being my belief that all things are temporary. Few things are built to last forever. I have my fair share of reasons for believing such a thing, the first being that 10 months and 26 days ago I experienced my first real brush with tragedy. I was never extremely close with him, but still close enough that it shook my world when I heard what had happened. Like anything else today I learned of it over social networking, which was horrific all on its own. Unbelievable. So young, yet so desperate for help. Gone with a single squeeze of a hand. A hand that needed nothing but holding, nothing but reassurance, nothing but guidance to the seemingly nonexistent light at the end of the tunnel that came ever close to collapsing and tragically did. The mountain of a short lifetime of burdens proved to weigh too much for the fragile structure of the tunnel to sustain. Too much. The vibrations of such a sudden collapse reached farther than one could have imagined and they're still felt today as they travel all the way to heaven, bounce off the golden gates and come back to us at the most unexpected times. My heart aches for you and it always will. Because of this, attachment is a scary concept to me. You invest a part of yourself in every person that you meet and when they're taken so suddenly, a piece of you goes with them.

Next reason. As a child of a teacher, I spent the majority of my time tucked away in a school. For most of my childhood I was there an hour before school began and two or three hours after it ended. I never really knew another way of life so I have absolutely no means of complaining. The school was a second home and the teachers became my friends. I never felt out of my comfort zone around them, which was both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I was provided a safe and comfortable environment to learn, on the other, I didn't need to make friends in order to feel comfortable. Don't get me wrong, I had friends when I was a child, but not many came from school. Consistent with most aspects of my life, soccer was my reprieve. I was certain that the friendships I formed with my teammates and coaches would be lifelong, but as we all seem to know too well, times change and people follow and they take a piece of you with them when they promptly exit stage left as you travel down the path you assume to be right.

Once the school I attended and the school my mother taught at were no longer one in the same, I had no crutch to rely on and that was the beginning of an absolutely critical time period. I had to make my own decisions, form my own values, and decide who I should spend my time around. Consequently, this brings me to my third and final reason. I met some people that I greatly admired and was lucky to befriend. They guided me ever so gracefully through what otherwise would have been a daunting new environment. However, some people were not at all who I had expected them to be and they've greatly attributed to my independent style of living. I remember quite vividly a very close friend of mine telling me that he was not my therapist and he was not my mom and that because he didn't tell me his problems, he shouldn't have to listen to mine. Lovely lad, wasn't he? But I digress. His point was valid in the end. Who really wants to hear why someone's life is worse than yours? Not many. Anyway, the effect it had was that the need I had to confide in someone vanished. I can handle myself. I don't need people spewing their judgements on me. The few good friends I had have gone their separate ways as life leads us to do. All things are temporary.

So here I've outlined my reasons for my somewhat cynical views towards friendship and here I am telling you that although they're genuine, they're bullshit reasons to shy away from friendship. These things happen in life, but they should not defer you from sharing a friendship or finding a companion to at least pass the time with. I've been guilty most, if not all, of my life for caring too much. The people who care get hurt. They get made fun of. And that blows my mind. For a long, long time I absolutely did not believe that someone could care too much about another human being, but situation after situation has proved me wrong and that saddens me. However, the reward far exceeds the risk of losing a bit of yourself in each person you meet because in return, you gain a piece of the people that you've met along the way. It's undeniably true that most things are temporary and it pierces your heart like a shard of glass when their time to exit your life, by chance or by choice, comes along. But each shard of glass fits together in the way that you choose to make up a stained-glass window of a person. The people you meet along the way help you to create your image, but what makes it shine is the light from within. When that light goes out, it's paramount that you have friends you can rely on. People that know exactly who you are. People who genuinely care about you to reignite that light. Hell yeah there's risk, but what would life amount to if we always let fear get the best of us?

I'm undoubtedly an introvert. I don't see the point in talking for talking's sake which is based on a philosophy I have that's invariably Finnish: whichever words are being said should be more important than the silence they're interrupting. I have things to say, they just don't happen to fall in line with the latest on Breaking Bad, which is largely the reason I started this blog. Being an introvert makes it increasingly difficult to find companions that I genuinely feel like I connect with. My life currently consists of loose ends, no connections. I struggle to feel understood, but rather than disregard the importance of companionship, I find it's essential to embrace it and to be patient. Life has enough challenges on it's own, we don't need to submit to going through it alone. We just need to find the right people to share it with; people that are similar to us, people that understand us.

If nothing else, everyone deserves to feel understood. To be graced with the acknowledgement of all you are, all that you’re not, and all that you’re yet to be. Someone to look into your eyes and not merely see their own reflection, but the reflection of every tear, every broken heart, every smile, every dropped jaw that makes up your very being. Words heard but unspoken. Fragile threads connecting your minds and hearts. Late night fears, desires, dreams dancing off of your tongue to find welcoming ears. Shared moments braid the individual strings together, strengthening the bond. Gone with one swift motion of an elegant sharp edge. Torn and tethered. Yet, gathered once more to stitch together the fabric of your façade. Rare but invaluable. The kind of understanding that envelops you, but goes unseen. An understanding that recognizes the dark valleys of your past, the shadowy realities of your present, and the uncharted waters of your future. Only authentic companionship can provide an understanding so genuine and so invaluable and for even that reason alone, Companionship is Key.

Cleansing is Key.

Why are we so drawn to toxic people? They’re not far from cigarettes in the way that they take little time to become addictive. Everyone can see that they’ll do nothing but harm you, yet you live for that moment when the nicotine seeps into your blood flow and you feel that urge, that emptiness, vanish for no other reason than that it is exactly what you desired at that given time. You know it’s unhealthy. You know all of the repercussions will be negative. And the feeling that it gave you isn’t what you needed, but it is exactly what you wanted. I understand that there are a lot of implications taking place here, so let’s break it down. 

At one point or another, we all meet someone who has a negative effect on us. Perhaps they mess with your emotions or fail to acknowledge your existence or simply treat you like shit. Of course in those cases you should walk away. But it’s different when someone intrigues you to the nth degree and they suddenly become magnetic. I struggle to find the appropriate string of words to define it. You simply can't escape their pull. There’s some shame in it, no doubt. It’s not healthy to be fixated on someone and that’s an absolutely true statement, but it’s not fair for someone to assume that one will always remain fixated. Much like when someone is a pack-a-day smoker and everyone assumes that there’s no possible way that they’ll chose to quit. That assumption shouldn't be made. Anyway, it’s more than possible for someone to become fixated on someone else, and here we have “addiction”.

Addiction in any form is not healthy. It contains endless toxicity. Pure poison. But who is really the one at fault? The answer to that is that I am indefatigably at fault for allowing the effect. The cigarette doesn't knowingly give you cancer, you permit it. You decide that you want something more than the consequences can alter your train of thought, your motives, or your desires. But despite how satisfying that nicotine might feel, chances are the consequences will catch up to you like they caught up to me and led me to the really shitty place I was in a few months ago. I was numb with nowhere to run. I couldn't escape and although it served as a basis for some of the best writing I've ever composed, it needed to end. My explanation for being in such a state was that I was simply addicted to feeling something, so I turned to hurt and depression until it was nothing at all. No hope for a ray of light coming from the ever ominous, grey clouds. Too shy to say that I needed help. But so is everybody else. People endlessly say that they are there for you, that they care, that you can always talk to them, but who chooses to burden a friend with your problems and in the end who honestly welcomes being burdened by them? I can’t bring myself to do that anymore. It ruined friendships for me. And maybe I had some shitty friends but my beliefs can only be formed based on my past experiences. I couldn’t identify the root cause of the state that I was in, but thankfully someone else could. They did so indirectly, but I connected the dots until I saw the big picture clearer than I ever had before. And it absolutely amazed me how people can be so toxic, literally toxic, and my life entailed more than one of them. 

That being said, it’s absolutely paramount that I reiterate that more often than not, it is not the fault of the toxic person for the repercussions that took place, but the fault of the one who let it affect them in such a drastic manner. To this day, I don’t understand how I could have been so blind to the cause or even how I allowed it to have such a stupid, drastic effect. It was flat out unhealthy. And I’m sure a piece of it came from so much disappointment in such a short period of time, with one event piling upon the next. Each weighing more heavily than the last, yet the ever present expectations still taking the bulk of my burden. I reached a breaking point I didn’t know I had. 

With the identification of the problem came the all important solution in the form of cleansing my life of those toxic people, toxic thoughts, and that toxic lifestyle. I can’t express a greater gratitude for the person who made it clear to me by simply lending me some of his time to listen and to care. It was a struggle to break free of the cyclical pattern I was in, but I can’t even explain how necessary it was and I’m sure that goes without saying. You have to remember that you are important and that no one person can define your value. Once you extinguish all of the negative, pessimistic thoughts (worry included) it becomes so much easier. The only person you have to be good enough for is yourself. Confidence and cleansing go hand and hand. 

Now the toxicity has been eliminated to the point where the person(s) can remain if they so choose and if they don’t it won’t affect me. I’m stronger. And above all, I’ve cleansed my mind, my lifestyle, my attitude and it has been incredible. I’ve never felt so at peace with myself and the world. Being exposed to such a dark place has led to the most important enlightening of my life thus far. I realize the importance of cleansing myself of all of the negatives and doing so reaps unwavering benefits. Cleansing is Key. 


In all honesty, this is the first post I have been nervous about publishing because it is incredibly personal and incredibly recent, however this post in itself acts as a form of cleansing because these thoughts now occupy the page rather than my mind. In the end, my only hope is that one day it is useful to someone or merely relatable. 

Resolution is Key.

For the first time in who knows how long my mundane New Year's Eve routine was altered this year. Unlike any other previous celebration, I was surrounded by a family I hardly get to see. Long distance and busy schedules have been unkind to us over the years, but this year was a grateful exception. As we gathered in a rather luxurious house in the middle of Jackson, Mississippi we went around the room stating our New Year's resolutions, which I've never really been a strong believer in. One by one they were listed off, some much more cliche than others, but all greatly within reach. Consequently I wondered why now? What in this solitary moment of time convinces us that we suddenly need to do better, to be better? Everyday could be December 31 or January 1st. Where does the significance lie in the all empowering flip of a calendar from one year to the next? It's a bunch of rubbish. 

Don't get me wrong, the concept is absolutely right, but it should not be limited to a single moment. If anything the end of the year serves as nothing more than a moment of pure reflection on all the accomplishments as well as the downfalls the past year entailed. More likely than not, the downfalls themselves are where the resolutions stem from. Perhaps, at the least, its a strive for redemption for what couldn't be accomplished in the allotted time given or simply a lack of desire to. Take the classic resolution of wanting to get back in shape. The gym is flooded with newcomers the first few weeks of the new year, but steadily the spike in activity declines as people retreat back into their comfortable, old habits. They've met the status quo for what's expected of resolutioners, time to move on. It's those people that lead me to question the whole point of making a resolution when it is just a social statement and nothing more. 

Alas, I find myself far off topic and even further from the point I'm trying to make. Despite the cases of those who say things without any meaning behind them for the sake of creating what's expected through a simple resolution, the idea is absolutely right as I said before. The times when resolutions are successful are when they are made on a daily basis, when we don't wait for a pivotal moment or flip of a calendar to assess the quality of what we're doing and who we are becoming. The definition of resolution is two-fold and both apply here. 

res·o·lu·tion ˌ 

rezəˈlo͞oSHən/Submit noun 

1.a firm decision to do or not to do something.

2. the action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter.

Primarily, we must continuously reflect and be aware of the decisions we are making and the effect they are having on other people and also on ourselves. Once a problem or weakness in our character or simply in our decision making is identified, we must make a decision to do something about it, otherwise known as a resolution. If a bit of this introspection occurs throughout the year, resolutions can be ever present leading us only to become better people. Personally, I believe there is always room for improvement, but that mustn't be confused with not being proud of all that you are today in this very moment. It's okay to be proud of your strengths as long as you also recognize and do your best to resolve your self-defined weaknesses. 

The bottom line is that resolutions are an absolutely simple and effective way to manage and improve yourself without having to pick out one thing on December 31 that you possibly would like to improve and hardly get the chance to follow through. That's a useless approach. There's no point in waiting for one day of the year to suddenly commit yourself to changing or becoming better when every second of every day is an opportunity to decide that this is not good enough, to recognize that there is always room for improvement, to not merely be hungry but to feverishly chase the one thing that will make you feel full if only for a moment. And once those things are decided, recognized, and endlessly pursued success is eminent, only if resolution is present because resolution is key.