Cleansing is Key.

Why are we so drawn to toxic people? They’re not far from cigarettes in the way that they take little time to become addictive. Everyone can see that they’ll do nothing but harm you, yet you live for that moment when the nicotine seeps into your blood flow and you feel that urge, that emptiness, vanish for no other reason than that it is exactly what you desired at that given time. You know it’s unhealthy. You know all of the repercussions will be negative. And the feeling that it gave you isn’t what you needed, but it is exactly what you wanted. I understand that there are a lot of implications taking place here, so let’s break it down. 

At one point or another, we all meet someone who has a negative effect on us. Perhaps they mess with your emotions or fail to acknowledge your existence or simply treat you like shit. Of course in those cases you should walk away. But it’s different when someone intrigues you to the nth degree and they suddenly become magnetic. I struggle to find the appropriate string of words to define it. You simply can't escape their pull. There’s some shame in it, no doubt. It’s not healthy to be fixated on someone and that’s an absolutely true statement, but it’s not fair for someone to assume that one will always remain fixated. Much like when someone is a pack-a-day smoker and everyone assumes that there’s no possible way that they’ll chose to quit. That assumption shouldn't be made. Anyway, it’s more than possible for someone to become fixated on someone else, and here we have “addiction”.

Addiction in any form is not healthy. It contains endless toxicity. Pure poison. But who is really the one at fault? The answer to that is that I am indefatigably at fault for allowing the effect. The cigarette doesn't knowingly give you cancer, you permit it. You decide that you want something more than the consequences can alter your train of thought, your motives, or your desires. But despite how satisfying that nicotine might feel, chances are the consequences will catch up to you like they caught up to me and led me to the really shitty place I was in a few months ago. I was numb with nowhere to run. I couldn't escape and although it served as a basis for some of the best writing I've ever composed, it needed to end. My explanation for being in such a state was that I was simply addicted to feeling something, so I turned to hurt and depression until it was nothing at all. No hope for a ray of light coming from the ever ominous, grey clouds. Too shy to say that I needed help. But so is everybody else. People endlessly say that they are there for you, that they care, that you can always talk to them, but who chooses to burden a friend with your problems and in the end who honestly welcomes being burdened by them? I can’t bring myself to do that anymore. It ruined friendships for me. And maybe I had some shitty friends but my beliefs can only be formed based on my past experiences. I couldn’t identify the root cause of the state that I was in, but thankfully someone else could. They did so indirectly, but I connected the dots until I saw the big picture clearer than I ever had before. And it absolutely amazed me how people can be so toxic, literally toxic, and my life entailed more than one of them. 

That being said, it’s absolutely paramount that I reiterate that more often than not, it is not the fault of the toxic person for the repercussions that took place, but the fault of the one who let it affect them in such a drastic manner. To this day, I don’t understand how I could have been so blind to the cause or even how I allowed it to have such a stupid, drastic effect. It was flat out unhealthy. And I’m sure a piece of it came from so much disappointment in such a short period of time, with one event piling upon the next. Each weighing more heavily than the last, yet the ever present expectations still taking the bulk of my burden. I reached a breaking point I didn’t know I had. 

With the identification of the problem came the all important solution in the form of cleansing my life of those toxic people, toxic thoughts, and that toxic lifestyle. I can’t express a greater gratitude for the person who made it clear to me by simply lending me some of his time to listen and to care. It was a struggle to break free of the cyclical pattern I was in, but I can’t even explain how necessary it was and I’m sure that goes without saying. You have to remember that you are important and that no one person can define your value. Once you extinguish all of the negative, pessimistic thoughts (worry included) it becomes so much easier. The only person you have to be good enough for is yourself. Confidence and cleansing go hand and hand. 

Now the toxicity has been eliminated to the point where the person(s) can remain if they so choose and if they don’t it won’t affect me. I’m stronger. And above all, I’ve cleansed my mind, my lifestyle, my attitude and it has been incredible. I’ve never felt so at peace with myself and the world. Being exposed to such a dark place has led to the most important enlightening of my life thus far. I realize the importance of cleansing myself of all of the negatives and doing so reaps unwavering benefits. Cleansing is Key. 


In all honesty, this is the first post I have been nervous about publishing because it is incredibly personal and incredibly recent, however this post in itself acts as a form of cleansing because these thoughts now occupy the page rather than my mind. In the end, my only hope is that one day it is useful to someone or merely relatable. 

Resolution is Key.

For the first time in who knows how long my mundane New Year's Eve routine was altered this year. Unlike any other previous celebration, I was surrounded by a family I hardly get to see. Long distance and busy schedules have been unkind to us over the years, but this year was a grateful exception. As we gathered in a rather luxurious house in the middle of Jackson, Mississippi we went around the room stating our New Year's resolutions, which I've never really been a strong believer in. One by one they were listed off, some much more cliche than others, but all greatly within reach. Consequently I wondered why now? What in this solitary moment of time convinces us that we suddenly need to do better, to be better? Everyday could be December 31 or January 1st. Where does the significance lie in the all empowering flip of a calendar from one year to the next? It's a bunch of rubbish. 

Don't get me wrong, the concept is absolutely right, but it should not be limited to a single moment. If anything the end of the year serves as nothing more than a moment of pure reflection on all the accomplishments as well as the downfalls the past year entailed. More likely than not, the downfalls themselves are where the resolutions stem from. Perhaps, at the least, its a strive for redemption for what couldn't be accomplished in the allotted time given or simply a lack of desire to. Take the classic resolution of wanting to get back in shape. The gym is flooded with newcomers the first few weeks of the new year, but steadily the spike in activity declines as people retreat back into their comfortable, old habits. They've met the status quo for what's expected of resolutioners, time to move on. It's those people that lead me to question the whole point of making a resolution when it is just a social statement and nothing more. 

Alas, I find myself far off topic and even further from the point I'm trying to make. Despite the cases of those who say things without any meaning behind them for the sake of creating what's expected through a simple resolution, the idea is absolutely right as I said before. The times when resolutions are successful are when they are made on a daily basis, when we don't wait for a pivotal moment or flip of a calendar to assess the quality of what we're doing and who we are becoming. The definition of resolution is two-fold and both apply here. 

res·o·lu·tion ˌ 

rezəˈlo͞oSHən/Submit noun 

1.a firm decision to do or not to do something.

2. the action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter.

Primarily, we must continuously reflect and be aware of the decisions we are making and the effect they are having on other people and also on ourselves. Once a problem or weakness in our character or simply in our decision making is identified, we must make a decision to do something about it, otherwise known as a resolution. If a bit of this introspection occurs throughout the year, resolutions can be ever present leading us only to become better people. Personally, I believe there is always room for improvement, but that mustn't be confused with not being proud of all that you are today in this very moment. It's okay to be proud of your strengths as long as you also recognize and do your best to resolve your self-defined weaknesses. 

The bottom line is that resolutions are an absolutely simple and effective way to manage and improve yourself without having to pick out one thing on December 31 that you possibly would like to improve and hardly get the chance to follow through. That's a useless approach. There's no point in waiting for one day of the year to suddenly commit yourself to changing or becoming better when every second of every day is an opportunity to decide that this is not good enough, to recognize that there is always room for improvement, to not merely be hungry but to feverishly chase the one thing that will make you feel full if only for a moment. And once those things are decided, recognized, and endlessly pursued success is eminent, only if resolution is present because resolution is key. 

Control is Key.

Scientifically, emotion is just a mental reaction in the form of a release of some type of neurotransmitter in response to stimuli. However, with logic and science set aside, I wonder if the emotion can come first and justification second. Example. I woke up this morning after a late night of catching up on school work. I was a bit tired as always (restlessness is ever present), but I also felt unnecessarily upset. No sound reason behind it, after all I had just woken up. No upsetting dream that I could recall. I went to bed fairly happy, pleased at best. So the question remains: why was I so unnecessarily upset? Cognitive dissonance swiftly on the rise led to the assignment of an explanation, but I question its relevance. It all seems a bit trivial. Emotion first. Justification second. The explanation that my subconscious cleverly stitched together would normally suffice, but not today. Not with the possibility of so many interchangeable emotional reactions to this one stimulus that has occurred a multitude of times.

I've always been a deeply emotional person, allowing myself to feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, but this has led to an awareness of the dangers associated with such freedom. What goes up must come down. In the present, I find it increasingly difficult to allow myself happiness because I know what’s on the other side of it. Some may term it chronic disappointment and perhaps I focus too much on logic and intellect for my own good, but it’s led to new barriers and defense mechanisms against the potential emotional outcomes of circumstance and situation. Primarily, I’m much more guarded than before. I let others' opinions have less effect on me. I don't dive blindly into friendship or commitments. I'm more aware of the emotional effects events embed.

When situations play out similarly to those I've previously encountered, it’s natural to expect a similar outcome both literally and emotionally. Essentially, I’m trying to predict the future using my past. Sometimes the process is applicable and other times it isn't. My weakness comes in the form of differentiating between the two. Just because a situation is similar doesn't mean it’s going to play out in the same manner, but it's a possibility. Despite that weakness, I've learned from my past experiences how to identify cues people give off both intentionally and unintentionally. I’m decently good at recognizing these cues; where I struggle is listening to the conclusions I've logically conjured and setting emotion aside. I strongly believe in the relevance and beauty of pure human emotion, but I also understand the consequences involved in not having a very tight grasp on them.

Few, if any, positive things result from letting emotion get the best of us. I can recall far too many times when I've been beyond the boundaries of pissed off and words quickly regretted escaped my lips before my mind could lock them away. There is a time and a place to express feelings of anger, disagreement, and even adoration. But I strongly, strongly suggest that such things are said after the emotional high has ceased. That way you know exactly what you are saying and even though you may not know the response you will get, you have secure reasoning for why you said it.

The same premise applies to actions. If we're placed in a high-pressure situation and a wave of fear sweeps over us, we cannot cower in the face of the challenge. We must acknowledge the feeling, adapt, and act. Emotions are ceaselessly beautiful in the purest form, but granting them the power to run our life is a mistake. From my personal experiences, even keel is the way to go. Emotions run deep, but logic runs deeper. Control is key.

Presence is Key.

Walking through the hallways all I seem to hear from my peers is: I can't wait to get out of this place. (Maybe "place" wasn't the exact word that was used, but I figured some decency could be salvaged.) More often now than ever we find ourselves looking forward to the future with our minds preoccupied with menacing agendas and pending tasks that subsequently add to the mounds of stress and pure mental instability that envelops more people than not. Our conscious is clouded with all that was and all that is planned to be. As a high school student, scholarships, teacher recommendations, and college applications are constantly at the forefront of my mind, which removes me from whatever situation or environment I may be in. Physically a student may be trudging through the halls, a coworker pressing on in their cubicle, or even a sister attending a wedding and although 100% of their physical being is present, their body is hollow. If you're not there mentally and emotionally, the moment is compromised. 

"Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry - all forms of fear - are caused by too much future, and not enough presence..."

Just as quickly as one can become preoccupied with all that the future may or may not entail, one can become chained to a past they cannot mentally break free of. I know many people (including myself) that have been victims of having their eyes glued to the mirror. Although the reflection is accurate, the image is unwaveringly embedded behind us. The brutal truth is that the past is the past and it's not coming back. To allow the past to seep into the present is to ruin the gift of a new day. Don't poison the innocent potential of today, with the bitter memories of closed chapters. If our minds are filled with fixations of how things used to be, we are unable to fully experience and appreciate how they are now. Time slips by all too discretely to sacrifice seconds living in a presence that no longer exists. 

"...guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence."  -Eckhart Tolle

We've ruled out trying to transport into the future, as well as attempting to forever remain in the past.What's left? (It's not a trick-question). If you answered "live in the present," then congratulations, you are wiser than most people I know and receive the oh so valuable prize of common sense. Well done. It's truly so incredibly invaluable to place yourself in the present and to live in the moment. I've never been one to do so until recently. Time after time, stress had me at the end of my rope just about ready to plunge into anything to escape the insurmountable weight. After a chat with an admirable friend and role model, I decided it was time to try something new: focus on one thing at a time as it presents itself. Paying more attention to the exact moment I am in and being fully present physically, mentally, and emotionally has led to an incredible alleviation of stress and a dramatic increase in overall mental health. My relationships have improved, my grades have increased, and I am steadily regaining my sense of self. It's not enough to offer your physical presence to someone. You have to be there, in every way possible.

Recognize and absorb every aspect of the environment you're currently in. The sounds, the smells, the emotion. Pay close attention to the way your friends or family are stringing together words. Don't merely listen to respond, listen to understand. Exile all thoughts irrelevant to the moment. It will set you free. Presence is key. 

Commencement is Key

As occupants of this incredible planet, we share in many of the challenges we face despite our ongoing variances. Similar adversities are overcome, similar heartaches are felt, similar circumstances are presented. On the whole, humans are really quite similar. Consistent with most things, the difference is in the details. That being said, my intention is to lay out for you the experiences that take place in the life of a physical inhabitant of this planet, but intellectual citizen of the cosmos, from sunrise to sunset to sunrise once again in hope that they can assist you in some way through your journey of life. What proceeds are the keys that may get you from one day to the next, merely spur a moment of thought, or unlock the doors to an unimaginable future. They're up for interpretation and fully at your disposal. Thanks for reading and, by all means, enjoy the ride.